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WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE.

5.14.20

So frequently people fail to examine the language that they use. They just retch out words and hope something sticks. I partially blame whoever it was that invented email, or whoever came before them, because they are solely responsible for texting: the real reason for the worldwide decrease in verbalized intelligence.


Our first category of people are those who are prone to mispronounce. I would really like to know who the first person was to mispronounce library as “li-berry,” or the other person who broke the word bagel down into, “bag-ell.” Don’t even get me started on the pillow people. If you don’t know who these creatures are, instead of articulating the word as the universe intended, “pill-oh,” they say “pell-oh.” I won’t even divulge into upstate New Yorkers who have ingrained into the fiber of their being that it’s pronounced as “doc-u-men-tary” instead of “doc-u-men-tree.”


The second group of heathens are the your, you’re, there, their and they're people. Sure, the English language is extremely difficult. I am the first person to give someone full credit if they picked it up as a second language. However, if you were raised to speak, read, and write in English, do yourself a favor and learn the difference between these words. I know it takes energy to rub a few brain cells together to figure out which one to use. However, if it’s that inconvenient for you to take this kind of time, you probably need the practice more than anybody else.


Our last division of neanderthals are without a doubt my least favorite of all. The cretins that misuse words. The next time I hear “ironic” misused I’ll probably have a stroke. No Tiffany, running into Chad at Walmart after texting him all day isn't ironic. Stop embarrassing yourself and consider it serendipitous at best. Irony is a situation where the outcome is purposefully opposed to the expected aftermath. Typically, what they really mean is a coincidence (you can look up that definition on your own).


I’m nauseated at the thought of everyone pretending they’re Alanis Morissette. Her song, “Ironic” says, “Mr. Play it safe was afraid to fly,” and then we find out he meets his maker while flying. You know who expected the heavy aircraft carrier to go down in a fiery demise? The guy who didn’t want to go on the plane. It was exactly what he expected to happen.


People don’t like to get bogged down in the details. They don’t care about things like spelling, pronunciation, and grammar. If you point these misfortunes out they say, “I’ll do that when it matters.” Do I point out the gross misuses of language by others? Not usually, unless someone is being particularly snarky. Why? The all time greatest offender of word abuse happens to be me. Isn’t it ironic?