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I'M PRETTY GOOD.

4.23.20

People toss around the response “I’m doing great” when confronted with the casual “how are you?” Of course, nine times out of ten no one cares how you’re doing. This in itself is deeply upsetting to me. 

A self assured hypocrite, I say this constantly. Why? Why am I asking a question I desperately hope you don’t answer honestly? On the other hand, I can’t bring myself to give the canned “I’m doing great!” Unless this has an heir of sarcasm, it’s nails on a chalkboard to my psyche. “Great” is reserved for something exceptional. They didn’t name him Alexander the Great because of his outstanding Greek salad.

So what is my typical response? Akin to Larry David, I’m usually “pretty good,” and this answer is unsettling to many people. Some people have the audacity to follow up my answer with a non-rhetorical question, “why only pretty good?” Please, we both know you’re not interested. I didn’t say I was drowning in despair. On a report card I would be “satisfactory.”

I really dislike when people try to tell me that life is farting out edible butterflies, and everyone should have a positive outlook. In my young experience, life is easier when I’m realistic. No, the Bills probably won’t win the super bowl. Yes, I’m probably going to have diabetes when I’m too old to give a rat's… rear end.

Some people have the impudence to tell me I’m a pessimist. To those individuals I say... yeah, you’re probably right. However, I have the inclination, nay, the right to defend myself. Sure, I don’t typically see the glass half full, but I sure as hell don’t see it half empty either. 

I need more information about the original state of the glass. Was it empty and then filled up? Was it full and then poured out? What, for the love of Mary, is in this glass? Was it blessed by a priest? If so, is there a statute of limitations on said blessing? How about this, pay attention to your own damn glass, and only share it with people you trust. As we painfully now know, you don’t know where other people's mouths have been. 

So yeah, I don’t believe in over-selling how I am simply to console a person who doesn’t care in the first place. It’s true, except for the people who already know how you’re doing, no one really wants you to truly answer that question.  What have we learned here? You can easily disguise a glass full of piss as a chalice full of wine, but there is no masking that aroma.